Thursday, August 05, 2010
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Five Stages (Part Deux)
... until September 1st rolled around and I found myself signing up for classes. The internship went really well. I was doing some really interesting research and while I wasn't able to produce usable results, I was able to help shed light on the complexity of the problem. We were having a meeting at the beginning of August to discuss the progress of the project and one of my co-workers suggested that we take a different approach to a solution. To which my supervisor replied, "we would but Elyse is only here until August." To which I replied "well, that doesn't have to be true." And just like that my internship was extended through November, with the catch that I had to be enrolled in a graduate program. So like I said it's September 1st and I'm about to go to classes. Well, not exactly. The whole denial stage reared it's ugly head again and so I spent my first week of classes at home in New Jersey enjoying my friends and family. But after that I started up with classes. And thus I entered the stage of
Depression. Whenever I feel like I don't have a plan I get stressed and depressed. Going into September I had no clue what was going to happen after November. Oh and because I like to go big or go home, I packed myself up and moved to Pasadena so that I wouldn't have to suffer the horrible pain that is rush hour traffic. I would go to classes on Mondays, work the rest of the week and come home to my barely furnished (but fabulous nonetheless) apartment where I would commence on doing homework. This was not fun, even for a gal like me who loves math, this was too much math. What made it worse was that word was seeping through the work grape vine that there wasn't enough funding to keep me on the project past November. So I tried my best to stay positive (failing at that most of the time) and kept busy at work. Things looked bleak as the end of my internship neared. I started pulling out all of the stops, I sent my resume to anyone who I had come into contact with while at JPL. I emailed professors. In my head if I didn't have a job then I couldn't justify living in Pasadena or doing the doctoral program. I needed that outside motivation of a career to help keep me focused at school. Without a job in math I knew I would lose interest in my classes and become unmotivated...I have been in school for the vast majority of my life. Going to classes, taking notes, doing homework-it's like breathing to me. Without focus I would have just been on auto pilot.
About two weeks before the end of the internship, I found out that I had to make a presentation about my work. Usually the presentations are done over lunch and they just involve people that helped you with the project. One of the bigger supervisors (in hierarchy not girth) got wind of the work I was doing and asked me to present to his staff meeting. This was a big deal. It gave me a chance not only to show the work I had been doing but also to introduce myself to other people at JPL who might be able to find me a place. I was giving my presentation the last week I was at JPL. Although I was amped about presenting, I was still disappointed and worried since it didn't appear that a transition into JPL was in my cards. The day before the presentation I got a meeting request from a supervisor in another department. She met with me and told me she had an opening doing cost modeling. I told her I was interested and she said she would get back to me. The next day I presented. The presentation went smoothly and at the end of the presentation the head supervisor asked my supervisor what was going to happen to me. My supervisor announced that I had gotten the job in the other department! Hoooray! Woot! Woot! I have a job. A job at JPL! It will last longer than 3 months! Whoo hoooo!
The next day I met with my new(now current) supervisor. She gave me a more detailed job description and then she asked me the golden question: "Do you want to work full time or academic part time?" drum roll please....
Acceptance I took the job as an academic part time employee. That's right. I accepted the fact that I am still in school and probably (hopefully) will be in school for another couple of years. Why oh why did I not take the full time offer after all the angst and stages of grieving? because the job isn't math-y enough (and I like to torture myself). I like what I'm doing but the supervisor was honest from the get go that the models won't involve any difficult math. The modeling part is interesting, but I was worried that if I take the job full time that my resume would read like I want to work in the financial sector and I don't (fyi my list of jobs I don't want in a very particular order: teacher, financial anything, retail worker, summer conference housing supervisor). With academic part time I still get benefits and a secure job and I have the freedom to keep going to school.
So here it is March and I am in my second semester as PhD school (as I call it). The next big hurdle is the quals which I take in June (or maybe May, they haven't posted the date yet). Most of my time is being spent studying for the exam. If I pass, I'll keep going with the program (and I'll keep encouraging Seth's friends to call me Dr. Fosse). If I don't, then maybe it is time to pack those pencils away and call it a school day ( I would still encourage Seth's friends to call me Dr. Fosse). But don't worry, I'm sure I'll fret and moan the entire way, regardless of the decision I make.
Depression. Whenever I feel like I don't have a plan I get stressed and depressed. Going into September I had no clue what was going to happen after November. Oh and because I like to go big or go home, I packed myself up and moved to Pasadena so that I wouldn't have to suffer the horrible pain that is rush hour traffic. I would go to classes on Mondays, work the rest of the week and come home to my barely furnished (but fabulous nonetheless) apartment where I would commence on doing homework. This was not fun, even for a gal like me who loves math, this was too much math. What made it worse was that word was seeping through the work grape vine that there wasn't enough funding to keep me on the project past November. So I tried my best to stay positive (failing at that most of the time) and kept busy at work. Things looked bleak as the end of my internship neared. I started pulling out all of the stops, I sent my resume to anyone who I had come into contact with while at JPL. I emailed professors. In my head if I didn't have a job then I couldn't justify living in Pasadena or doing the doctoral program. I needed that outside motivation of a career to help keep me focused at school. Without a job in math I knew I would lose interest in my classes and become unmotivated...I have been in school for the vast majority of my life. Going to classes, taking notes, doing homework-it's like breathing to me. Without focus I would have just been on auto pilot.
About two weeks before the end of the internship, I found out that I had to make a presentation about my work. Usually the presentations are done over lunch and they just involve people that helped you with the project. One of the bigger supervisors (in hierarchy not girth) got wind of the work I was doing and asked me to present to his staff meeting. This was a big deal. It gave me a chance not only to show the work I had been doing but also to introduce myself to other people at JPL who might be able to find me a place. I was giving my presentation the last week I was at JPL. Although I was amped about presenting, I was still disappointed and worried since it didn't appear that a transition into JPL was in my cards. The day before the presentation I got a meeting request from a supervisor in another department. She met with me and told me she had an opening doing cost modeling. I told her I was interested and she said she would get back to me. The next day I presented. The presentation went smoothly and at the end of the presentation the head supervisor asked my supervisor what was going to happen to me. My supervisor announced that I had gotten the job in the other department! Hoooray! Woot! Woot! I have a job. A job at JPL! It will last longer than 3 months! Whoo hoooo!
The next day I met with my new(now current) supervisor. She gave me a more detailed job description and then she asked me the golden question: "Do you want to work full time or academic part time?" drum roll please....
Acceptance I took the job as an academic part time employee. That's right. I accepted the fact that I am still in school and probably (hopefully) will be in school for another couple of years. Why oh why did I not take the full time offer after all the angst and stages of grieving? because the job isn't math-y enough (and I like to torture myself). I like what I'm doing but the supervisor was honest from the get go that the models won't involve any difficult math. The modeling part is interesting, but I was worried that if I take the job full time that my resume would read like I want to work in the financial sector and I don't (fyi my list of jobs I don't want in a very particular order: teacher, financial anything, retail worker, summer conference housing supervisor). With academic part time I still get benefits and a secure job and I have the freedom to keep going to school.
So here it is March and I am in my second semester as PhD school (as I call it). The next big hurdle is the quals which I take in June (or maybe May, they haven't posted the date yet). Most of my time is being spent studying for the exam. If I pass, I'll keep going with the program (and I'll keep encouraging Seth's friends to call me Dr. Fosse). If I don't, then maybe it is time to pack those pencils away and call it a school day ( I would still encourage Seth's friends to call me Dr. Fosse). But don't worry, I'm sure I'll fret and moan the entire way, regardless of the decision I make.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
5 stages (part one)
Just as there are five stages of grief there were five stages to me be being in a PhD program:
1. Denial: I never planned on getting a PhD. I consistently put the kibosh on any plans that would lead me to go for this. Sure I wanted my Master's but that was it. Nothing more. My goal since graduating UMass was to take some time off and travel then get my Master's in math and then find myself a cubicle where I could sit and do math all day.
Why would I want a PhD? It would pigeonhole me into being a teacher and I do not want to teach. I would need to pass the qualifying exams (quals for short). This exam is 6 hours long and draws questions from 6 different math subjects. It's not easy. It's offered once a year and you get 2 chances to pass. Rumors abound that only 50% pass the first time and even less than that continue through to the second year after failing the first time. To know me is to know that I don't like failure...at all. Even if I passed the quals the first go round I would still have at least four more years of schooling, which means I would be 30 (30!) before I graduate (30!). School had been the main priority of my life. I was done. I wanted to shift the focus. I wanted a math a job.
2. Anger: But there was no math job to be found. I put out resumes, attended career fairs, bought 2 suits, and nothing. I enlisted the help of my professors who gave my resumes directly to people within major companies so as to ensure that I made it past the sea that is the human resources resume database. Still nothing. I had no clue what I was going to do. It wasn't just a matter of finding a job, it was a matter of if I didn't find a job I would have to move back east, which to me at that point was admitting failure. I had no car, no job prospects and I was frustrated. I had no control over what was happening. I tried to stay up beat and positive but I failed on a daily basis and usually dwindled into a grumpier snippier version of myself. My mood was comparable to how I would imagine I would act if I had to try to give up caffeine.
3.Bargaining: As I mentioned in a previous post, I got a phone call one day from a guy at JPL. He flat out offered me a job, but there was a catch. The thing was (and still is) that JPL is on a hiring freeze. The only way they could offer me the job was under the Space Grant Internship program. Not only was this internship just 10 weeks long, but I had to be enrolled in school to be eligible. I told the guy that I was sorry but I was graduating and not continuing onto another degree. That next Monday after class my professor (who is also the dean of the math program) asked how my job search was going. I told him what happened at JPL and he looked at me and said "just enroll in the PhD program." He told me he could waive the fees for now and that since I was already here it would just be a change of degree form that could be processed in a couple of days. I wouldn't have to take any classes until the fall so my summer would be free to pursue the internship and hopefully secure a full time position before school started up. I decided to do it. I would enroll in the program, take the internship and work my butt off to show JPL that they needed me there full-time. So as my family and I celebrated my Master's degree I was technically enrolled in the PhD program but believe me, I would have been the first one to tell you that I wasn't going through with it...
1. Denial: I never planned on getting a PhD. I consistently put the kibosh on any plans that would lead me to go for this. Sure I wanted my Master's but that was it. Nothing more. My goal since graduating UMass was to take some time off and travel then get my Master's in math and then find myself a cubicle where I could sit and do math all day.
Why would I want a PhD? It would pigeonhole me into being a teacher and I do not want to teach. I would need to pass the qualifying exams (quals for short). This exam is 6 hours long and draws questions from 6 different math subjects. It's not easy. It's offered once a year and you get 2 chances to pass. Rumors abound that only 50% pass the first time and even less than that continue through to the second year after failing the first time. To know me is to know that I don't like failure...at all. Even if I passed the quals the first go round I would still have at least four more years of schooling, which means I would be 30 (30!) before I graduate (30!). School had been the main priority of my life. I was done. I wanted to shift the focus. I wanted a math a job.
2. Anger: But there was no math job to be found. I put out resumes, attended career fairs, bought 2 suits, and nothing. I enlisted the help of my professors who gave my resumes directly to people within major companies so as to ensure that I made it past the sea that is the human resources resume database. Still nothing. I had no clue what I was going to do. It wasn't just a matter of finding a job, it was a matter of if I didn't find a job I would have to move back east, which to me at that point was admitting failure. I had no car, no job prospects and I was frustrated. I had no control over what was happening. I tried to stay up beat and positive but I failed on a daily basis and usually dwindled into a grumpier snippier version of myself. My mood was comparable to how I would imagine I would act if I had to try to give up caffeine.
3.Bargaining: As I mentioned in a previous post, I got a phone call one day from a guy at JPL. He flat out offered me a job, but there was a catch. The thing was (and still is) that JPL is on a hiring freeze. The only way they could offer me the job was under the Space Grant Internship program. Not only was this internship just 10 weeks long, but I had to be enrolled in school to be eligible. I told the guy that I was sorry but I was graduating and not continuing onto another degree. That next Monday after class my professor (who is also the dean of the math program) asked how my job search was going. I told him what happened at JPL and he looked at me and said "just enroll in the PhD program." He told me he could waive the fees for now and that since I was already here it would just be a change of degree form that could be processed in a couple of days. I wouldn't have to take any classes until the fall so my summer would be free to pursue the internship and hopefully secure a full time position before school started up. I decided to do it. I would enroll in the program, take the internship and work my butt off to show JPL that they needed me there full-time. So as my family and I celebrated my Master's degree I was technically enrolled in the PhD program but believe me, I would have been the first one to tell you that I wasn't going through with it...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
The Rise of Buster
I shall ignore the fact that I haven't posted since July and renew my goal of posting something mind-blowingly riveting once a week. The best place to begin is to introduce you all to my new car Buster!
Buster is a 2009 Scion XB. Esther died about 6 weeks before I was graduating with my Master's. I was living in Claremont, which is about 30 miles east of LA. I know that doesn't sound far but with the crappy public transportation system in California no car for 6 weeks was terrible. I was holding off on getting a car because I had no clue what I was doing after graduation. I had put resumes out to lots of places and I was getting no feedback. On top of not having found a job I was faced with finding a new place to live and the sudden realization that my Cali adventures were looming to a close. So I did what any self respecting grad student would do, I went to bars and hung with my friends.
One particular Thursday night we all went out and decided that Long Island Iced Teas would be the drink of the night. Well, actually we decided that after starting off with a pitcher of beer. Needless to say when I woke up the next morning I had negative motivation. As I laid in bed (which also counted as my couch since I lived in a studio apartment) catching up on my tivo my phone rang. On the other line of that phone call was an employee at Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL). They were working on a research project that they thought I would be interested in. I said I was. They said I would start Monday. Well, ok fine not exactly. I did get offered the job right on the spot but my start date was a point of contention due to some technicalities but I'm saving that for another post (I can't divulge all of my information now otherwise it'll be years before I post again).
The moral of the story is that I got an internship at JPL. Yep, not a job but an internship and on the heels of the internship offer I called up my good friend Briana and told her it was time. She picked me up the next day and we went car shopping. Car shopping was an entirely new world to me which is why Briana came along (by my last count she has facilitated the purchases of 4 new cars in the past 2 years). I had originally wanted the scion xd, it's smaller and looks more like a hatchback, but when we test drove it I felt that it was too small. The trunk was so small I couldn't even lay my beach chair flat and the thought of how many trips it would take to move all of my belongings with the xd really turned me off.
I didn't want to even look at the xb. I thought it was too big but Briana insisted I test drive it and (although it pains me to type this) she was right. Buster was big, but not too big. I could visualize all of my belongings cramming there way throughout Buster's roomy interior. I envisioned trips to Vegas where two people and a cooler could fit in the backseat. I played with the automatic windows and locks, reveling in the fact that I didn't have to re-learn the arm-outstretched-behind-the-back-backseat-window-rolldown. The air conditioner actually pumped out cold air within seconds--on low! My ipod hooked directly into the stereo so I could control all my music from my steering wheel buttons. It has a camry engine. I was sold.
Then began all of the paperwork and there was a lot of paperwork. I financed the car so I had to talk to there financing department who weren't entirely convinced that I had a job since I didn't have a paystub. But luckily every time I said I worked at JPL Briana chimed in that JPL was a part of NASA. Eventually we wowed them with saying JPL and NASA enough times that my financing was approved.
After about 4 hours on the lot I drive off with my first new car. When I got Buster he had 40 miles on him. Nine months later he's about to break 12,000. He's survived 3 trips to San Diego, 2 to Vegas, countless runs to Target, and bunches of trips to Claremont. I love my car and I love the fact that it was my gift to myself. Buster was the first big purchase of many purchases over the past couple of months but I'm saving those stories for later. For now, enjoy the pictures of me and Buster!
Buster is a 2009 Scion XB. Esther died about 6 weeks before I was graduating with my Master's. I was living in Claremont, which is about 30 miles east of LA. I know that doesn't sound far but with the crappy public transportation system in California no car for 6 weeks was terrible. I was holding off on getting a car because I had no clue what I was doing after graduation. I had put resumes out to lots of places and I was getting no feedback. On top of not having found a job I was faced with finding a new place to live and the sudden realization that my Cali adventures were looming to a close. So I did what any self respecting grad student would do, I went to bars and hung with my friends.
One particular Thursday night we all went out and decided that Long Island Iced Teas would be the drink of the night. Well, actually we decided that after starting off with a pitcher of beer. Needless to say when I woke up the next morning I had negative motivation. As I laid in bed (which also counted as my couch since I lived in a studio apartment) catching up on my tivo my phone rang. On the other line of that phone call was an employee at Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL). They were working on a research project that they thought I would be interested in. I said I was. They said I would start Monday. Well, ok fine not exactly. I did get offered the job right on the spot but my start date was a point of contention due to some technicalities but I'm saving that for another post (I can't divulge all of my information now otherwise it'll be years before I post again).
The moral of the story is that I got an internship at JPL. Yep, not a job but an internship and on the heels of the internship offer I called up my good friend Briana and told her it was time. She picked me up the next day and we went car shopping. Car shopping was an entirely new world to me which is why Briana came along (by my last count she has facilitated the purchases of 4 new cars in the past 2 years). I had originally wanted the scion xd, it's smaller and looks more like a hatchback, but when we test drove it I felt that it was too small. The trunk was so small I couldn't even lay my beach chair flat and the thought of how many trips it would take to move all of my belongings with the xd really turned me off.
I didn't want to even look at the xb. I thought it was too big but Briana insisted I test drive it and (although it pains me to type this) she was right. Buster was big, but not too big. I could visualize all of my belongings cramming there way throughout Buster's roomy interior. I envisioned trips to Vegas where two people and a cooler could fit in the backseat. I played with the automatic windows and locks, reveling in the fact that I didn't have to re-learn the arm-outstretched-behind-the-back-backseat-window-rolldown. The air conditioner actually pumped out cold air within seconds--on low! My ipod hooked directly into the stereo so I could control all my music from my steering wheel buttons. It has a camry engine. I was sold.
Then began all of the paperwork and there was a lot of paperwork. I financed the car so I had to talk to there financing department who weren't entirely convinced that I had a job since I didn't have a paystub. But luckily every time I said I worked at JPL Briana chimed in that JPL was a part of NASA. Eventually we wowed them with saying JPL and NASA enough times that my financing was approved.
After about 4 hours on the lot I drive off with my first new car. When I got Buster he had 40 miles on him. Nine months later he's about to break 12,000. He's survived 3 trips to San Diego, 2 to Vegas, countless runs to Target, and bunches of trips to Claremont. I love my car and I love the fact that it was my gift to myself. Buster was the first big purchase of many purchases over the past couple of months but I'm saving those stories for later. For now, enjoy the pictures of me and Buster!
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