... until September 1st rolled around and I found myself signing up for classes. The internship went really well. I was doing some really interesting research and while I wasn't able to produce usable results, I was able to help shed light on the complexity of the problem. We were having a meeting at the beginning of August to discuss the progress of the project and one of my co-workers suggested that we take a different approach to a solution. To which my supervisor replied, "we would but Elyse is only here until August." To which I replied "well, that doesn't have to be true." And just like that my internship was extended through November, with the catch that I had to be enrolled in a graduate program. So like I said it's September 1st and I'm about to go to classes. Well, not exactly. The whole denial stage reared it's ugly head again and so I spent my first week of classes at home in New Jersey enjoying my friends and family. But after that I started up with classes. And thus I entered the stage of
Depression. Whenever I feel like I don't have a plan I get stressed and depressed. Going into September I had no clue what was going to happen after November. Oh and because I like to go big or go home, I packed myself up and moved to Pasadena so that I wouldn't have to suffer the horrible pain that is rush hour traffic. I would go to classes on Mondays, work the rest of the week and come home to my barely furnished (but fabulous nonetheless) apartment where I would commence on doing homework. This was not fun, even for a gal like me who loves math, this was too much math. What made it worse was that word was seeping through the work grape vine that there wasn't enough funding to keep me on the project past November. So I tried my best to stay positive (failing at that most of the time) and kept busy at work. Things looked bleak as the end of my internship neared. I started pulling out all of the stops, I sent my resume to anyone who I had come into contact with while at JPL. I emailed professors. In my head if I didn't have a job then I couldn't justify living in Pasadena or doing the doctoral program. I needed that outside motivation of a career to help keep me focused at school. Without a job in math I knew I would lose interest in my classes and become unmotivated...I have been in school for the vast majority of my life. Going to classes, taking notes, doing homework-it's like breathing to me. Without focus I would have just been on auto pilot.
About two weeks before the end of the internship, I found out that I had to make a presentation about my work. Usually the presentations are done over lunch and they just involve people that helped you with the project. One of the bigger supervisors (in hierarchy not girth) got wind of the work I was doing and asked me to present to his staff meeting. This was a big deal. It gave me a chance not only to show the work I had been doing but also to introduce myself to other people at JPL who might be able to find me a place. I was giving my presentation the last week I was at JPL. Although I was amped about presenting, I was still disappointed and worried since it didn't appear that a transition into JPL was in my cards. The day before the presentation I got a meeting request from a supervisor in another department. She met with me and told me she had an opening doing cost modeling. I told her I was interested and she said she would get back to me. The next day I presented. The presentation went smoothly and at the end of the presentation the head supervisor asked my supervisor what was going to happen to me. My supervisor announced that I had gotten the job in the other department! Hoooray! Woot! Woot! I have a job. A job at JPL! It will last longer than 3 months! Whoo hoooo!
The next day I met with my new(now current) supervisor. She gave me a more detailed job description and then she asked me the golden question: "Do you want to work full time or academic part time?" drum roll please....
Acceptance I took the job as an academic part time employee. That's right. I accepted the fact that I am still in school and probably (hopefully) will be in school for another couple of years. Why oh why did I not take the full time offer after all the angst and stages of grieving? because the job isn't math-y enough (and I like to torture myself). I like what I'm doing but the supervisor was honest from the get go that the models won't involve any difficult math. The modeling part is interesting, but I was worried that if I take the job full time that my resume would read like I want to work in the financial sector and I don't (fyi my list of jobs I don't want in a very particular order: teacher, financial anything, retail worker, summer conference housing supervisor). With academic part time I still get benefits and a secure job and I have the freedom to keep going to school.
So here it is March and I am in my second semester as PhD school (as I call it). The next big hurdle is the quals which I take in June (or maybe May, they haven't posted the date yet). Most of my time is being spent studying for the exam. If I pass, I'll keep going with the program (and I'll keep encouraging Seth's friends to call me Dr. Fosse). If I don't, then maybe it is time to pack those pencils away and call it a school day ( I would still encourage Seth's friends to call me Dr. Fosse). But don't worry, I'm sure I'll fret and moan the entire way, regardless of the decision I make.
