Tuesday, February 02, 2010

5 stages (part one)

Just as there are five stages of grief there were five stages to me be being in a PhD program:
1. Denial: I never planned on getting a PhD. I consistently put the kibosh on any plans that would lead me to go for this. Sure I wanted my Master's but that was it. Nothing more. My goal since graduating UMass was to take some time off and travel then get my Master's in math and then find myself a cubicle where I could sit and do math all day.

Why would I want a PhD? It would pigeonhole me into being a teacher and I do not want to teach. I would need to pass the qualifying exams (quals for short). This exam is 6 hours long and draws questions from 6 different math subjects. It's not easy. It's offered once a year and you get 2 chances to pass. Rumors abound that only 50% pass the first time and even less than that continue through to the second year after failing the first time. To know me is to know that I don't like failure...at all. Even if I passed the quals the first go round I would still have at least four more years of schooling, which means I would be 30 (30!) before I graduate (30!). School had been the main priority of my life. I was done. I wanted to shift the focus. I wanted a math a job.

2. Anger: But there was no math job to be found. I put out resumes, attended career fairs, bought 2 suits, and nothing. I enlisted the help of my professors who gave my resumes directly to people within major companies so as to ensure that I made it past the sea that is the human resources resume database. Still nothing. I had no clue what I was going to do. It wasn't just a matter of finding a job, it was a matter of if I didn't find a job I would have to move back east, which to me at that point was admitting failure. I had no car, no job prospects and I was frustrated. I had no control over what was happening. I tried to stay up beat and positive but I failed on a daily basis and usually dwindled into a grumpier snippier version of myself. My mood was comparable to how I would imagine I would act if I had to try to give up caffeine.

3.Bargaining: As I mentioned in a previous post, I got a phone call one day from a guy at JPL. He flat out offered me a job, but there was a catch. The thing was (and still is) that JPL is on a hiring freeze. The only way they could offer me the job was under the Space Grant Internship program. Not only was this internship just 10 weeks long, but I had to be enrolled in school to be eligible. I told the guy that I was sorry but I was graduating and not continuing onto another degree. That next Monday after class my professor (who is also the dean of the math program) asked how my job search was going. I told him what happened at JPL and he looked at me and said "just enroll in the PhD program." He told me he could waive the fees for now and that since I was already here it would just be a change of degree form that could be processed in a couple of days. I wouldn't have to take any classes until the fall so my summer would be free to pursue the internship and hopefully secure a full time position before school started up. I decided to do it. I would enroll in the program, take the internship and work my butt off to show JPL that they needed me there full-time. So as my family and I celebrated my Master's degree I was technically enrolled in the PhD program but believe me, I would have been the first one to tell you that I wasn't going through with it...