Aaaaaaaahhh!!!

My boss has been on vacation for the past week and a half so I have had the office to myself with not a lot to do. It was inevitable that I would drive myself crazy.

The job is good. We just finished our busy season. At one point I was working thirteen hour days. Now I can barely find enough work to last me two hours. I don't deal with transitions like this very well. It's like working out and then being all energized afterwards but with nothing to do. I don't enjoy. To keep me busy I have been looking into grad school again. Good, but bad idea.

It's a good idea because I do need to get my but in gear and get things in order for next September. I will NOT be in the amherst area. It will ruin it all for me. I want to leave here with the good memories I have. I don't want to leave clapping and doing the dance of joy that I am out of the valley. I want to miss it.

Ok, anyway, yeah researching grad schools is a great idea, except I get all hopped up and stressed out. What if I don't get in? What if I don't get funding? eek what if no one likes me? For reals though I just think I secretly liked to get this worked up about things. Otherwise I just wouldn't get this worked up ya know.

I did get into UC San Diego and it is still my first choice, but funding is wicked hard to find. They don't offer funding to masters students within the math department so I have to look outside of the department. Translation...I have no clue what I am doing. I looked into their residence life program to see if they have any graduate positions and they don't. I feel like I am walking through a wicked dark tunnel with no flashlight and I don't like it. I finally resorted to emailing some poor math grad student who posted their email address and asked them for help.

Part of this is just me being lazy and just wanting someone else to figure everything out for me. Another part is me probably not really wanting to move on. It would be nice to not change zip codes every year. BUT no one is twisting my arm and making me do this. If someone even mentioned me not going to grad school I would become all indignant. I do want to go to grad school that's for sure.

I just need to calm down and remember the NZ attitude. Everything will work out and in the grand scheme of things life is going well for me. I live for free with good friends. I have a car. I have friends (note the priorities hahaha jk). I have some moolah. and I am damn good looking. It could be worse...I could be thinking about bungee jumping again (Oy). Seriously never again with the bungee.